Wow, No Thank You Essays by Samantha Irby

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23 بازدید
۲۰,۰۰۰ تومان

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مجموعه مقالاتی جدید از سامانتا ایربی در مورد پیری، ازدواج، زندگی با فرزندان ناتنی پوست و شهر کوچکی در آمریکا.

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 وای نه متشکرم از سامانتا ایربی


 دانلود کتاب Download Wow No Thank You Essays by Samantha Irby 


 دانلود کتاب Download Wow No Thank You   

A new essay collection from Samantha Irby about aging, marriage, settling down with step-children in white, small-town America.

Irby is turning forty, and increasingly uncomfortable in her own skin. She has left her job as a receptionist at a veterinary clinic, has published successful books and is courted by Hollywood, left Chicago, and moved into a house with a garden that requires repairs and know-how with her wife and two step-children in a small white, Republican town in Michigan where she now hosts book clubs. This is the bourgeois life of dreams. She goes on bad dates with new friends, spends weeks in Los Angeles taking meetings with “skinny, luminous peoples” while being a “cheese fry-eating slightly damp Midwest person,” “with neck pain and no cartilage in [her] knees,” and hides Entenmann’s cookies under her bed and unopened bills under her pillow.

Into the gross
Girls gone mild
Hung up!
Late-1900s time capsule
Love and marriage
Are you familiar with my work?
Hysterical!
Lesbian bed death
Body negativity
Country crock
A guide to simple home repairs
We almost got a fucking dog
Detachment parenting
Season 1, episode 1
Hollywood summer
$$$
Hello, 911?
An extremely specific guide to publishing a book

جملاتی از کتاب وای، نه متشکرم از سامانتا ایربی:

Wow No Thank You Quotes

“First of all, why you would ask a man anything is beyond me.”


“Hello, 911? I’ve been lying awake for an hour each night, reliving a two-second awkward experience I had in front of a casual acquaintance three years ago, for eight months.”

 Download Wow No Thank You Essays by Samantha Irby


“Everyone thinks I’m going to eventually die of a heart attack, but joke’s on y’all—it’s definitely going to be of secondhand embarrassment.”


“I don’t have good processing skills—at least I don’t think I do, because I turn everything into a fucking joke and then bury it in a shallow grave in whatever part of the mind something you never want to think about ever again goes…until its decomposing hand emerges from the dirt on a random Tuesday at 3 a.m. to remind you of that embarrassing thing you thought you’d forgotten.”


“Loving yourself is a full-time job with shitty benefits. I’m calling in sick.”


“if there is a cream strong enough to counteract the existential dread woven through every cell in my body, I’d buy it.”

 Download Wow No Thank You Essays by Samantha Irby


“Hello, 911? My friend just left me a voice mail.”


“Leading people on is a hate crime. Especially when you could just say what you want and let them decide whether or not they want to give it to you without getting their romantic feelings involved.”

 Download Wow No Thank You Essays by Samantha Irby


“Showing up at a restaurant and hoping for the best is a young person’s game. If I’m going out, I need to know that there is a table with my name on it and a comfortable seat pulled up to it. I’m too old to hover anxiously near the door, sweating under my coat in my good outside clothes, watching people who actually planned ahead be ushered to their awaiting tables and served the foods I am dying to eat.”


“A handy trick is to think long and hard about what the person who hates you would realistically add to your life if they were to actually be a part of it. Most people really do have absolutely nothing to offer you.”


“The closer I creep toward the precipice of forty, the more time I spend listening to the same songs I listened to in high school and combing through surprisingly vivid memories of my time there, which is wild, because I did not actually have a good time being young!”

 Download Wow No Thank You Essays by Samantha Irby


“I do not knock on Fiona’s door when I’m trying to have an upbeat good time; I am coming to her with the shattered pieces of my heart in my hands, setting the pointy shards at her feet, and lying very still until she stomps on them with her words.”


“Hello, 911? I am the first person at this party.”


“I approach most endeavors with zero expectations, which is a skill I have honed after forty years of fairly regular disappointment.”


“Hello, 911? Why did this woman choose the middle stall in this three-stall public bathroom?”

 Download Wow No Thank You Essays by Samantha Irby


“Sadly, life is not a movie. Life is an impossibly long and unyielding march to the grave, peppered along the way with myriad disappointments and misfortunes.”


“When is the last time an actual human interaction made you laugh more than a meme did?”


“am a high-functioning depressed and anxious person. I know it can manifest in myriad ways, but mine are these: (1) extreme inertia, but never at the expense of my employment, so mostly bailing on friends who want to hang out and feeling extremely apathetic toward doing “fun” things that aren’t lying very still; (2) self-soothing with food, though never in shocking amounts, mostly just staring into the void while eating ice cream over the sink, then realizing, “oops, the pint is finished”; (۳) fear of trying new things or venturing out of a comfort zone, clinging to childhood demons as a means of never actually having to move forward; (4) blistering resentment for the outwardly happy and seemingly well-adjusted.”

 Download Wow No Thank You Essays by Samantha Irby


“My head hurts, so I either have a brain tumor or I haven’t had enough caffeine today.”


“Settling” is a coarse way of saying “adjusting my expectations,” and I think that gets a bad rap. Dude, I would rather settle than be “chronically unfulfilled due to my outsize desires.” I don’t mean that you should marry someone you hate just because they won’t go away, but I do think it’s worth examining what you actually want while being honest about what is important to you. Then it won’t feel like such a compromise, you know? On top of that, it’s totally unfair to make a flesh-and-bone person compete against an imaginary ideal that was imprinted on you when you were too young to understand what was happening. Shit, growing up I wanted to marry the Beast from Beauty and the Beast. A strong, virile creature who read tons of books and could fuck up a wolf ? Yes please! Sign me up! I could’ve lain awake every night waiting for Mufasa to save me from a wildebeest stampede in a gorge, but do I climb into bed next to a fucking lion? No, bitch, because I am realistic. Instead, I married this person who makes her own kombucha and charges her crystals under the new moon. Girl, adapt!”

 Download Wow No Thank You Essays by Samantha Irby


“I first heard Pearl Jam in the seventh grade, when this kid I didn’t know very well was brandishing a copy of Ten on cassette in our language arts class. I asked to borrow it and took it home and held a tape recorder up to the speaker in our living room for an hour to record it. (This, sweet babies, is my version of “in my day, we used to have to walk up a hill to get to school with plastic bags for shoes!” Please kill me.)”


“Back when I had feelings, my self-esteem was a toilet. It caused me actual physical pain to know that someone didn’t like me. I mean, it still does, but I’m better insulated by drugs these days.”
 Download Wow, No Thank You Essays by Samantha Irby

“Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever pooped on a reliable schedule?”

“Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever had a favorite contestant on Top Chef?”

“Sure, sex is fun, but have you ever given a crying baby back to its parent?”

 Download Wow No Thank You Essays by Samantha Irby


“I’m forty now, and the hilarious thing about being forty is this: I don’t know anything. Before you try to convince me otherwise or try to make me feel better, you should know that I know that YOU’RE forty and trying to reassure yourself that YOU know something. You don’t!”


“What the fuck do I even talk about all day, 1099s and full-coverage underpants? LIKE, FOR REAL, WHO EVEN CARES? JUST POINT ME TOWARD THE SUN AND WATER ME OCCASIONALLY.”

 Download Wow No Thank You Essays by Samantha Irby


“It’s possible that they were coming over to offer me homemade bread or a hand-drawn map to all the local breweries or perhaps even their friendship, but I will never know, because I’m from Chicago and I don’t believe in answering an unsolicited door knock.”

“Showing up at a restaurant and hoping for the best is a young person’s game.”

“I feel like every medical professional I talk to is two degrees from saying “you’re too fat” no matter what you’ve made an appointment for them to check. I don’t know the correlation between gummy ears and weight, but if you give a doctor enough latitude, they will find one.”

 Download Wow No Thank You Essays by Samantha Irby


وای، نه متشکرم.: مقاله
توسط سامانتا ایربی

مجموعه مقالاتی جدید از سامانتا ایربی در مورد پیری، ازدواج، زندگی با فرزندان ناتنی پوست و شهر کوچکی در آمریکا.

ایربی چهل ساله می شود و به طور فزاینده ای در پوست خودش ناراحت می شود. او شغل خود را به عنوان پذیرش در یک کلینیک دامپزشکی رها کرده است، کتاب های موفقی منتشر کرده است و مورد علاقه هالیوود قرار می گیرد، شیکاگو را ترک می کند و به همراه همسر و دو فرزند ناتنی خود به خانه ای با باغی نقل مکان می کند که نیاز به تعمیر دارد. یک شهر کوچک سفیدپوست جمهوری خواه در میشیگان که اکنون میزبان کلوپ های کتاب است. این زندگی رویاهای بورژوایی است. او قرارهای بدی را با دوستان جدید می‌گذراند، هفته‌ها را در لس‌آنجلس می‌گذراند و با «مردم لاغر و نورانی» ملاقات می‌کند، در حالی که «فردی پنیرخوار کمی مرطوب غرب میانه» است، «با گردن درد و بدون غضروف در زانو، و کلوچه های انتمن را زیر تخت و اسکناس های باز نشده را زیر بالش پنهان می کند.

به درشت
دخترها خفیف شدند
قطع کرد!
کپسول زمان اواخر دهه ۱۹۰۰
عشق و ازدواج
آیا با کار من آشنا هستید؟
هیستریک!
مرگ در بستر لزبین
منفی بودن بدن
سفال روستایی
راهنمای تعمیرات ساده خانه
ما تقریباً یک سگ لعنتی داشته باشیم
فرزندپروری جدایی
فصل ۱، قسمت ۱
تابستان هالیوود
$$$ —
سلام ۹۱۱؟
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